Mom's Stroke and My Sister Spreading Rumors

So, my mother had a stroke about 4 years ago. She's paralyzed on half her body, and literally does NOTHING to take care of herself. She even refuses to go to physical therapy and brush her own teeth. She is pretty much just sitting around waiting, and randomly causing drama when needed.

So, my siblings and I decided to place her in a nursing home near my brother. This was mainly my brother's decision. My sister supposedly handled all of the paperwork while she was there. I tried to remain out of it, as they wanted to keep me out of the loop in regards to it. According to them, they had it handled...so I didn't get involved. I called once a month to talk to my mom and that was about it.

After a while, the siblings decided she needed to be relocated to my sister. My husband and I had to pay out of pocket to relocate her to my state (she's SUPPOSED to be relocated to my sister's, but my sister keeps flaking out). She's been here since last April. She was supposed to go live near my sister last Aug. She flaked out on me, obviously as she is STILL here!

The main reason I wanted to stay out of everything was because my mother is a narcissist. She randomly stirs up crap, and makes up things. You could TRY to blame it on her stroke, but I know from experience that she was always like this. Now that she has had the stroke, it is just more "in your face". Prior to the stroke, it was subtle and you couldn't really tell what was happening when it was happening. Now, it's very obvious...and people are always making comments about her personality change. In my mind, it's not a change at all.

We spent a lot of money out of pocket for her to relocate near us, to have her later relocated to near my sister. The original problem was the old nursing home. They were doing things like having her lay in her own filth for days on end. They were putting her on medication she's obviously allergic too. A whole mess of problems.

As a family, I pretty much strong armed the other siblings and told them that she needs out of there. We all agreed to have her relocate to near me from May-Aug (last year), and then my sister and brother would relocate her to my sister. While she was in my care, I would keep her at my house in the basement where she had her own little apartment. Then my siblings would relocate her in a timely manner, and I am done. This did not happen...

She didn't have a wheelchair, no medicaid/medicare (I had to resign up for EVERYTHING) and her social security checks were still being sent to the previous nursing home. (I actually found out via her taxes that we didn't even cash one of the checks?) She was getting nothing until I resigned her up for everything. Medicaid took about a month, and Medicare was active in Aug. Her SSA was an entirely different story and it took almost 3 full months. The SSA office is actually about a 2 hr drive from here, so you can imagine the pain of all of that. It took me almost all of the time she was in my house to set all of this back up, and to make sure she had all of the necessities she needed. It was a lot of money out of pocket, and I had to pay myself back from her checks just to cover my mortgage. ( have since been paid back mostly...)

About 1.5 months into her actually living in my house and my paying out of pocket, I decided she needed a nurse to come and visit her once a week so that she had the companionship and I would have help bathing her. I didn't care if she got a shower or it was a sponge bath. Just as long as I wasn't having to haul my mother in and out of the shower all the time. Our first appointment with the new nurse would be our last.

The nurses showed up, immediately went about putting her in the shower. I said I didn't mind if they did it that way (there were two nurses), as long as they were careful as my mother weighs a LOT. Within seconds of my leaving the room, I hear them screaming my mom's name. My mom passed out in the shower - or rather according to doctor's later, she had a panic attack because the nurses were trying to rush her...and they wouldn't listen. I had only of stepped out of the room for about 30 secs to find my eldest daughter's shoes for her, before I heard the screaming.

The nurses can't find a pulse, and neither wants me to call 911. I call anyways. I am told to ask them if they know CPR. Neither does. How the fuck is that possible?! I have no idea. I performed CPR on her until the ambulance arrived. She was sent to the local hospital, and with all of the neighbors staring I get into the car to find the ambulance. (Didn't you know? Soon as anything happens on this block, people arrive just to WATCH...not to help! No one even said, we're sorry this happened or even brought over a fucking pie. WTF!)

While she is in the hospital that night, I finally found a nursing home that was decent and had a spare bed. It's a great place, and sure there were complaints from the siblings that she was being placed in a nursing home when she was just going to be relocated anyways. But, I just couldn't do it anymore. The nurses causing that was the last stop for me. If I can't do this by myself, then I need to put her someplace safe and nice that will take good care of her.

I spent a good five hours that day speaking to social workers, police (yes, the nurses filed a false police report!), and random nursing homes. All while trying to stay updated on my mom's condition. I am told later that day that the nurses are at 100% fault, and should have been trained better then that.

Next day, the cops were on my doorstep asking a ton of questions. Not really sure why. Turns out the nurses that CAUSED this problem (and yes, I see this as their fault...since we've given her showers before without any issue), filed a report stating the following:

1- We feed her only crackers
(She eats the dinner/lunch/breakfast/snacks that the rest of eat, plus Diet Coke with each meal. The cops even took pictures of her unfinished meal from the day before, that I never got to clean up. She was currently eating lunch before the shower, that consister of a banana sandwhich, gold fish crackers - her choice, and a salad.)

2- We never gave her a shower
(Gave her a shower every week, how else did those nurses know how to put her in the tub? I had to TELL them how and HELP them do it. I even gave them the option of a sponge bath.)

3- She was laying in her own filth for DAYS on end
(She has a baby monitor set in her room, and jic she didn't ask to be changed...we checked every hour)

4- She's been here for 6 months
(LOL??? What? It's been 2, at best)

5- She's currently dying in a hospital
(Police didn't even know she had been checked into a nursing home and was absolutely fine)

6- She doesn't have a wheelchair
(Actually she does, and it cost me $120, plus a prescription from her doctor. So whatever.)

7- Her living quarters were a disaster!
(Even the cops said that with having two children, that my house is fucking pretty damn clean. They took pictures of that too! Bitches)

I'm sure there are MANY other lies they have said to cover their tracks. But, those are the ones that I can remember off of the top of my head. I find it ironic that not only can I disprove EVERY lie they said, but that it happened the day AFTER they caused her to have a panic attack. Fucking stupid. Even the police doing the report didn't know why the nurses did what they did, and the charges were dropped within 24 hours.

Anyways, I was up to eyeballs in debt, and I was trying to save money for her to be relocated to near my sister (I have since saved $850.00 up for this). My mother's expenses are huge. She gets her social security check, and all of it but about $7.00 is eaten up by the nursing home.

Now starts the drama. My sister has been running around telling everyone that will listen that I am stealing my mom's money. According to her, around $6k-$8k. I'm unsure where she got this information from. According to the people calling me, she has a "strong case". Eh? My sister doesn't even know anything about her financial situation, let alone how much a POA OR her cost of living actually truly costs.

From the start out of pocket I have spent at least $2207.50. That is being reasonable too. I didn't charge for things like gas or her actual care. That is also including the amount it cost for me to drive from Utah to WA state to get her and bring her back. I have documentation of EVERY dime I have ever spent on her, and have since posted all of my proof to my facebook account. I also made sure that when I posted all of that information that I blacked out the actual account details, social, etc. I didn't want anyone trying to screw her over.

I finally got fed up after a long reaming from my dad. He was yelling about how I was stealing mom's money, so I posted proof on facebook for the world to see. Pictures of her bank account (I had to set that up too) and the withdrawals from it to pay the nursing home (only money orders or cash). I even posted her living costs while she was straight up living with me, and not in her current nursing home. Her relocation fees, down to the penny. I didn't even charge my mother for her PHYSICAL care, just things like needing a wheelchair. I posted copies of her taxes, without her SSN on it, showing how much total she was paid. I showed how much the nursing home gets, with receipts. If I have a receipt of it, I showed the world. To add on, every month I spend about $50.00 of my own money just to get her snacks and interesting things to eat or do. I have never asked for my mom to repay that. If I did, I don't think she could even afford it.

I broke down every penny she has ever gotten, and even openly suggested to people to call SSA if they feel I'm stealing her money. But, that doesn't stop the rumors from spreading and continuing. Not a one of these people have actually helped take care of her!

I have essentially done all of this by myself. My sister likes to take credit for everything that I do, including setting up her medicaid. Uh huh...cause you spent all that time down at the medicaid office, right? She also likes to randomly tell people that I am still stealing my mom's money and that she just wants to have mom with her. Yet, she won't come and get her.

My sister also blamed me for my mom having exema (My daughter and I were recently diagnosed with it as well). We are all allergic to chapstick. The nurses had been putting chapstick on my mother, without her being diagnosed, and it made her lips look absolutely terrible. Instead of my sister blaming the nursing home, she ran around telling everyone that I was abusing my mother. Even though, she wasn't in my care...and people believed her!

I've been getting these types of phone calls about once every other week since she got to this state. I even broke down her SSA check, and PROVED she really only gets an extra $7.00 a month. I mean, my sister is in massive denial about my mom's condition and then to add on that I am stealing her money too? She keeps coming up with excuses to relocate my mom too. HER kids come first, etc. But, apparently, MY kids don't matter at all. I've been waiting since last Aug for them to come get her!

My mother needs to have a full mouth tooth extraction done. They will make her dentures for free, via the very accommodating nursing home. I'm unsure how much a tooth extraction will cost. I will need to contact the oral surgeon myself, and figure out pricing options. I will also be setting up the appointment for her. I'm unsure why the nursing home isn't doing this, but it needs to get done.

According to her dentist, almost all of her teeth have been rotting, decaying, and/or broken for approx. 2-4 yrs. This is not just the previous nursing home, but the current one as well. The previous nursing home caused the decay, rot and broken teeth. The current nursing home has caused a gum infection, with little or not brushing of her teeth. (Her toothbrush keeps going missing too, hence I've had to keep buying her a new one every month) The current nursing home has not properly provided enough care for her teeth, so fillings that went missing/cavities that previously existed, only got much worse.

I have given them permission to give her loretabs for the pain (as of last Thurs afternoon). So, if you call and she sounds high - that's because she is. She says she's in pain, so I let them give it to her. Otherwise, she has NOT NOT NOT been on any new medication.

After the tooth extraction, she will be without teeth for approx. 3-4 months. They need to wait for the gums to reduce swelling before taking casts for the dentures. She will wear her dentures during the day, and remove them at bedtime.

I have told people that I have the phone number for the dentist. He told me to inform them, that theyu can call at ANY time with ANY questions. Just ask me for the dentist's number and I will give you it. Duh.

Unfortunately, her teeth are too far gone to be saved at this point. We only just now realized the severity of the problem when she recently did her ~6 month checkup.

After teeth, we'll work on her glasses.

My parents have been divorced since I was 15. My sister's main target for the fodder is my father. He cares about my mom, and when he initially heard that I was treating her horribly/stealing money...he was livid. I completely understand why, however he will NOT listen to my side at all. He keeps claiming he's not involved and she makes an excellent case. Sadly, he is not the only person to do so.

I even was accused of telling my mother that I hoped she died on her birthday. Actually my mom called me the night before and was harassing me to quit smoking. When, she kept hearing me repeat "I'm an adult, it's my decision" she knew the conversation wasn't going anywhere. She hung up on me. I called her back the next day to wish her happy bday, and even dropped off a cake for her and helped her celebrate.

Not 2 hours later, I am receiving angry phone calls from relatives about how I told my mom if I ever got cancer from smoking, I'd just kill myself. That apparently, I'd never want to live in a nursing home. I don't know about you, but a nursing + internet sounds fucking amazing. No responsibilities, and lots of fun to be had. Yes, it'd get boring...but I doubt I'd kill myself just because I was in a nursing home. I shit you not...this was all because I said I wouldn't quit smoking, and eventually it turned into my mom should kill herself for being in a nursing home. I give props to N-in-training sister, and N mother for coming up with this one. It was so far out there.


Update:
Found out last week that I need to pay out of pocket for my mother to get dentures. Because she does not brush her own teeth (even though she can), and the old nursing home didn't take proper care of her...it's come back to rear it's ugly head.

While the nursing home will cover the dentures, they will not cover the full amount for her extraction via medicaid/medicare. So they are putting mom on a payment plan (if I approve it) for a total of about $200.00 - on a total bill of over $6,000, which isn't that bad. So either that comes out of her relocation, or I pay for that out of pocket as well. Either way it's the best option we have come up with so far. I have currently paid out of pocket for it, and she is set up to have her teeth removed/dentures made in the next two weeks.

If you are asking yourself, well you have a brother...why isn't he doing anything? I hear little to nothing from him. He actually refuses my phone calls and never calls me back. If I have an issue with taxes or something else, he doesn't call me back. Even if it's about my mom. My sister has completely poisoned that tree, that I feel even attempting to continue to update him on mom is just pointless. My sister will just twist it around anyways.

In the end, I have been told my sister won't be willing to relocate my mother as her kids have school...and then summer break is too important! My brother has tried to arrange to come and fly with my mother out to my sister, but he simply can't get off of work without supposedly getting fired. I believe him getting fired is a lie. It's been almost a full year since she has been here, and I'm fed up with it all.

As per the rumors, they continue. I am a thief and I treat my mother like garbage! Yup, you heard it from here...I do everything I can to take care of her financially, physically and mentally...yet I am the one doing nothing and my sister (from out of state mind you) is doing it all!

Yes, that is my life. I work three jobs, am pretty much a single parent (my husband is currently stationed in another state for the Army)...and I also deal with all of this shit.

PS. I have heard rumors and direct quotes from my sister stating she was going to put my mom in a trailer, and pretty much keep all of my mom's checks. My sister is notorious for borrowing money, and never paying it back (she owes us $3k, and my dad about $15k). She is just a money grubbing bitch.